“Restart” is the theme for January 2021. What does that mean? Subsequent posts for the month will try to answer this.
This is my third time reviving this blog.
I’m not saying this for brownie points and to fit the title.
It is an undeniable fact that rests in my ribs with the rest of my organs.
It is a testament to years of habits and projects that fall to the wayside. Some of it, I could say to myself that life happens. After all, who expects their plans for their future to completely crash and burn?
However, to be perfectly honest, it’s because I’m hella intimidated.
I Have a Demon and it’s Self-Doubt
I’m a woman stuck in a field that brings me little joy. Who am I to have a blog about creative pursuits and storytelling? There are tons of other blogs, videos, podcasts talking about the same thing. Who would want to listen to me?
I then proceed to list all the reasons why it’s not worth my time and drop the blog. Treat myself to some other, more accomplished content creator’s content, while the inner me is sitting in a void wondering why I’m even here in this life.
It’d probably be fine if I didn’t do this with every. Single. Creative. Pursuit.
“That costs money I don’t have.”
“What would I even say? Hi, I’m another weird human on the internet, please like me.”
“Where’s the money in that?”
“Look at how much more magnetic these other creators are! Why should I bother?”
Trust me, the litany goes on for quite a bit until I just stop doing the project and stream another show on Netflix.
Answering the Fading Plead
There’s no indication that this time will be different. I feel different but by no means does it mean that I am different. Habits are hard to break. Thought patterns can be quite hard-wired as one gets older.
Yet, this yearning for a good story, to tell stories, to share? That, I can no longer ignore.
It was so easy to tune out when I distracted myself with concerts, traveling to new places, and job demands. Make sure I have a task to do so I won’t have to think further.
Funny thing about yearnings and having unexpected quiet times?
They get really loud until it’s all you think about.
They break you down, build you up, and you land somewhere in between the two. Before long, you find yourself caught between everything saying to do the thing and practiced practicality.
I choose doing the thing.
So let’s try again.
Doing a Small Thing
I’m not trying to be a content creator producing these posts on a regular basis like many others may do. It puts too much pressure on me and how I create.
I create things slowly. Stories simmer on low in my brain until I can embody them in their entirety. Then I ask it if it’s a story meant for me or meant for everyone.
Because one thing I’ve learned in these quiet times and breakdowns is that there is something sacred when you honor the story’s intention.
I want to also honor my energy and my reality. I work a job where its demands fluctuate often and inconsistently. I have other obligations that require my time too. It is no good to myself, let alone others, if I don’t rest.
Burn out ain’t cute.
So, will you join me on this restart?
We all have projects and hobbies that we’ve put to the wayside. Maybe it was life events and circumstances for you. Maybe it was conditioned thinking that no hobby is worth pursuing if you cannot monetize it.
But I implore you. Please.
Have the audacity to try again. To hit restart on that thing that nags you in your quiet moments.
And know that you’re not alone.