I’m hard on myself, I must admit. I had to learn new concepts quickly. I needed to build my personal relationships with the utmost care and effort. My professional career moves must be strategic and beneficial.
I know this approach isn’t the best for me, but I persist to use it.
So, why am I not patient with myself?
Part of it comes from how school life conditions students to achieve goals with relative ease. You put in the effort and you’d gain what you wanted. It may not be exactly what you wanted but it would be enough to carry you to the next goal. There is a direct cause to most outcomes, allowing you to tune your efforts as desired.
As any adult knows, the world outside that controlled environment isn’t as straightforward.
What was once easy during formal education becomes difficult with a big learning curve. It took longer for me to understand new concepts. Sometimes, this would cause me giving up on pursuing that knowledge.
Opportunities would pass me over for someone else, or circumstances would limit my participation. If I did get an opportunity I have been aiming for, it would turn out it wasn’t as advertised. Either case would end in a struggle to realign my expectations and becoming frustrated with myself.
My impatience with adjusting to adult life has led to limited self-love.
While I was taking care of myself on the outside, my mental and emotional states were a mess. I wouldn’t let things go until I saw the outcome of my actions. Even then, I would talk down to myself and, why, just why, couldn’t I be like my former classmates?
Negative self-talk became the norm, especially when circumstances further prove my terrible fortune. It took me snapping to realize how I was as much of a problem as my toxic situation.
I have made the conscious effort to remind myself that I am enough.
The last person who needs to despise myself is myself. No one else will love myself for me. The world will always keep knocking me down, but I need the strength to endure.
I can get angry about the unfairness of it all, and I can be happy for the good things brought into my life. I have to love myself through both these situations.
For every lag in opportunity, for every failed project, I have to tell myself, “Have faith in the process. You just need to be patient.”
I’m not saying that it’ll change overnight. It will take many times repeating those words as a mantra before I’d truly love myself unconditionally. I’m a work in progress, a flawed human.
Then again, it’s the flawed that have the best stories, no?