Drifting

It’s no secret that I’m a worrier.

If there are clouds in the sky and the meteorologist calls for no rain, I still carry around an umbrella.  I insistently ask if a sick loved one is okay throughout the day until they are better.  When I am asked about future decisions, I stutter my way through an answer.

The idea of uncertainty frightens me.  I try to plan for every misfortune but I come up short.  I try to plan for every inopportune event but another obstacle always blocks the way.  This always leads me to become more anxious and plan with an almost paranoid fervor.

It’s unhealthy.

Eventually, my worst fears came true.  My carefully-crafted plans shattered, forever in the realm of “what could have been.”

I had to start from the beginning.

I had to relearn who I was and what I truly wanted.

To this day, I’m still relearning and it’s hard.  I keep telling myself to take it one day at a time.  I have to keep reassuring myself that not having a plan right now is okay.

I have to remind myself that I will be fine.

It’s hard to think of the past and the future.  The past is filled with regrets, failure, and trauma. The future is obscure, unpredictable, and nearly impossible to plan.  For now, I will just drift in the present and hope that everything will be fine in the end.

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